Fear of Returning


When I first offered a job to work in Cambodia, I hesitated.

I seriously hesitated. Those people who are close to me knows that I am a person who needs the occasional adrenaline rush in life and I Do-Not-Fucking hesitate.

But I did. At that time, my mind was filled with uncertainties and self-doubt. I am about to set foot into a foreign land where infrastructures and basic necessity is considered a luxury among the locals.

Can I get to survive my life without my grab-to-go coffees and fast food chains?

I don’t know.

Will I be under-nourished? How am I going to survive without food?

I seriously don’t know.

Am I able to fit and blend with the locals while English is not their national language?

I have no idea.

What if I got shot?

To fuck with it. I am not prepared for that. But before that, I will take picture of tanks and guns.

There were so many questions and uncertainties when I decided to moved here. Once I got offered the job, I broke the news to my mum, she was worried sick and she even prayed that I didn’t get offered the job beforehand. My friends were baffled at my decision. Back then, I just wanted to venture out from the country from where I have lived for the past 2 decades. I am still in the process of re-discovering myself. I just felt I need to get out. I need a change in environment. What better way than to throw myself in a land of simple, bare necessities?

Frankly speaking, I barely know about the country, except for the occasional documentaries featured on TV. The pictured portrayed Cambodia is a country filled with rich history, suffered 2 accounts of war and is a heaven for pedophiles.

Sunrise at Angkor

Sunrise at Angkor

Evening view of Phnom Penh City

Evening view of Phnom Penh City

And so I packed my stuffs and headed to where I am now, Cambodia. I remembered the first time I reached here, I was fascinated with capital’s rustic charms.  I remembered getting my first apartment with my folks who were with me, trying to assess the whole surrounding. We tried communicating to the landlady in sign language. She doesn’t speak English, and so both of us resorted using the children’s illustrated encyclopedia and calculator to get our messages across.

Thank god for children encyclopedias and calculator.

As times go by, I started to  encounter interesting customs and cultures of Cambodia. Arranged marriage is still practiced here. My landlady even tried to match-made me with the locals. That was just plain hilarious. (This shall be featured in another post!). New friendships were bond and new outings and activities ensues. In a way, Cambodia has changed me to be a better person, I am taking things easy and to view matters with an open mind and heart.

In a way, I fell in love with the city.

Fireworks at the Royal Palace

Fireworks at the Royal Palace

Sunset at Royal Palace

Sunset at Royal Palace

In hindsight, I am glad I followed my instinct.

But now, things happened and I am now at a crossroad whereby I am comfortable with the lifestyle here and I am able to enjoy the quality of life that I always wanted, but I won’t be able to experience that if i were to return to my home country and that just scares the shit out of me.

Anyone experienced that before?


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